Where did it all begin? There has to be a starting place. Was it the day that I stayed in bed all day for the first time in my life, begging God to take my life because I wanted to literally, physically die? I didn’t have the guts to kill myself because of the consequences that it would bring to my children. I, even in that state of mind and spirit, was their only nurturing caretaker. I cried so hard that day that for a week afterwards I lied to everyone I met about why my eyes were so swollen and red.
That day, I remember so well, not a good one in one sense but the best in another sense. It was 13 years after I had accepted Jesus as my Savior. I had had to work through a full gamut of anger and confusion towards God for the situation I was in and my childhood abuse. But in order to work through that I had to believe in God first.
I remember that as I lay there in bed crying, I was begging Him to let me die and begging Him to take my life. Even then, I secretly knew that I was not going to physically die (although it was what I wanted) but that He was going to take my life and make it into something worth saving. That He was even going to make it into a life that I did not want to lose.
And now, I am 54 and the Bible tells me that I am promised only 70 years (Psalm 90:10). That means I have only 16 more of the promised years. But I have started leaning on the verse in Psalm 91 which tells me:
“With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.” Psalm 91:16
I want to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary with my husband and that won’t take place until I am 89 years old. I also want to see the world…take the message of the Freedom of Christ to women in ALL of the nations. That’s what I want now!
So, where did it all begin? I have many beginnings but this is one of the most important beginnings of my life.
I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.
Godspeed to all,