Truthfully Real, Real Life, All We Have is Hope

real meSome people say that I am strong and courageous.  Some people say that I am outspoken.

When people say these kinds of things I would be lying to say that I am not a little flattered but honestly I am mostly flabbergasted because they don’t know what is really going on in my head.  Honestly, in this woman’s body I am a scared little child and I have carried more than my share of grief in this heart of mine.  Anything strong or outspoken that comes out of me is not of me, it is definitely of my Creator, the One who is in the process of creating Himself in me.

Hot tears started flowing this morning, I had been wondering why they hadn’t come.  I have had this knowledge of the latest heartbreak for about a month.  When I start to cry I wonder some of the craziest things like, why are the tears so hot?  Is it because I’ve held them in for so long?  I’m glad, though, that they are finally flowing.

Memories…

My big 10 lb. 5 oz. baby son ripping himself out of my body.  God told me that there was a call on his life before he was born and gave me his name.  He had such a big, big heart when he was a little boy.  He was the most caring and compassionate of my children as a child.  Before he could write legibly I remember very well the poem that he dictated to me to write that was to me, for me and about me.  I still have it and treasure the memory of it.  When he was four years old, if I was busy, he would come sit close to me and spell words for me out of a book so that he could read the book to himself.  Really he’s the one of all my children who inherited my love for reading.

I had a dream about him when he was a baby, that I was holding on to him for dear life trying to keep him from falling into a huge vat of hot boiling oil but I fell asleep and he fell in.  I have known for a few years now that God was showing me what was to come in that dream.

Jail.  My son in jail.  Not the first time but I pray the last time.  Heartbreak.  He’s 25 now.  First time there he was 17.  It never stops being heartbreaking.  Not minor charges, very serious ones.  What caused this, one may ask.  He had lots of friends, a really likable  lovable personality, his future in sports and college scholarships was bright.  He had dreams and I had dreams for him.  He knew the Lord at one time and sought Him and served Him until adolescence.  But the enemy stole in and took advantage of weakness…drugs, pain, his unhealed wounds are the roots of it all.

Now, more memories coming back.  The long uphill trek from the parking lot to the entrance of the huge monstrous mountain of a cavernous jail where he was and is again.  Standing in lines to visit him for hours and sometimes being turned away after the wait because visiting hours were over.    Contemplating as I waited, wondering if it was my prayers for him that had put him there.  Being treated like a criminal, myself, when I walked in the door of the jail.  Putting a little money on his account so that he can have a few bare necessities.  Picking up his clothes from the county jail when he was sent off to the penitentiary at age 17 and opening up the box of clothes that he was wearing when he was arrested that still carried his scent so strongly.  The pallor of his skin and the sunken look in his eyes the first time he was released from prison.

Another memory etched into my mind…the morning phone call a couple of years later by the police informing me that he was in ICU because he had walked out onto a major highway in front of a fast moving 18-wheeler in a drug induced haze.  Even though he never admitted it to me I knew he was trying to kill himself and according to the ER technician, they thought he was a goner, he was in ICU for 1 week and then there was a real me2long recovery.  Multiple broken bones, internal injuries, a rod inserted in his left leg to permanently replace his left femur.  After that, he cut himself out of my life.  Disappeared.

Now, I’m sending him a card every week and hoping that he hasn’t given up on me because I will never give up on him.  Knowing that in his heart he thinks he has given up on God.  Finally receiving a letter from him “I love you, Mama.  I’m glad I’m here.  I was desperate for change and I know that this is the only way that I could get it”.  Sentenced to…6 months of drug rehab in the penitentiary…etcetera, etcetera.

And life goes on, and I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other.  And people around me, hustling and bustling, many of them carrying their own loads of pain in their hearts.  What am I supposed to do?  Sometimes I just feel numb.  What is the politically correct way to act?  Where can I run to escape?

In my lifetime I have had a tendency to isolate.  Am I isolating when I am staying home with the door shut so as not to welcome anyone to knock?

There is no place to run to escape these facts of life.

I pick up my Bible once again and read, I turn on the praise music that I love.  I hear a song that says that “He makes beautiful things out of dust…out of us”.  I know this is true.  I start to feel a little stronger.  I pray, pray and pray a little more.  I write.  Praying without ceasing.

I am not strong, I am not outspoken.  When you see me you see His grace.

I am weak, I am a shell.  When you read strong words that flow from my fingers onto this page, it is My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whom you see, not I.  When you think that my words or opinions are outspoken it is because He is speaking through me.

When I gently disagree or lovingly set my own boundaries with someone it is because His gentleness is flowing from me.  Not mine.  I am not gentle or kind, I want to blow them off and say a few choice words but it’s Him taking control and flowing through me.

I am not a forgiving person; when I am being nice to someone who has hurt me it is He who has forgiven them through me…for me.  There is no way that I could have done it without His Holy Spirit flowing through me and acting on my behalf.

real me3When I see pride seeping from the pores of one who is bragging to me about who they are or what they have accomplished, it is not me but Him who loves them gently and gracefully through me.

He is making this shell that is me into a temple where He is able to dwell.  He is bringing new understandings to me, every day.  He is taking me deeper and deeper because this is what I pray for.

In order to dispel the ugly things that are me, I have to be emptied.  The emptying comes with the unbearable pain that I turn to Him to rid me of because my faith in Him tells me that He is the only One who can do this.

“And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love”

Love is the motivator, the engine, my love for whatever and whoever I love drives me to the faith I have in the fact that He can do ALL things.  My faith plants that seed in me that is HOPE.  And that HOPE grows and grows and becomes the HOPE that is within me and the HOPE is HIM.

Love to you and blessings to you.  Join me in HOPE, if you please.

Godspeed,

signature

About Rhonda

Let me introduce myself to you who may not know who I am...I am an artist, writer, blogger, born again follower of Jesus Christ (I pursue Him on an ongoing basis with passion), I am a recovering codependent, survivor of childhood and adulthood domestic violence, an empty nester who still has a LOT of life to live and a LOT more places to go before I stop, the wife to Mr. John, mother, grandmother and I have a passion for being a part of the process of getting preschoolers ready for the rest of their lives! I have probably left something out but that's ok.
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18 Responses to Truthfully Real, Real Life, All We Have is Hope

  1. jedidja says:

    For our sons,
    When you were small,
    and just a touch away,
    I covered you with blankets,
    against the cool night air.
    But now that you are tall and out of reach,
    I fold my hands and cover you with prayer.

    Honey, let us not lose heart. Yes, we cry cry real tears. Our heart hurts.
    Dreams are gone. But He, Jesus is there … Let us bring our sons to God. Every time!
    ( the poem is from : Dona Maddux Cooper)

    • EvieJo says:

      I love it! Thanks so much for your wonderful encouragement and friendship. I will look up this author. I sincerely hope to meet you one day face to face because you are truly a kindred heart! I know that if not on this side of heaven, on the other… 🙂

  2. How beautifully written. My heart cries out for you and your son and I will pray for you both. (Visiting you here from link on A Holy Experience)

  3. eil1een says:

    Oh Evie Jo, you’ve brought tears to my eyes this morning. Such a difficult heart breaking journey. We don’t give up on our sons, do we? Yes, boundaries sometime become necessary but giving up…no. We have our Father in heaven who never gave up on us. And waited for us to return with open arms.

    • EvieJo says:

      Thanks for your care, today. I always hesitate when writing about personal things because of the fear of being judged or being interpreted as looking for sympathy. It just so happens that God uses difficult times with me to pull out the best of his gifts and I guess “fear” is the key right there. Fear is not of God is it? Bless you!

  4. moonsview says:

    Praise God, the story is not over yet! God is still speaking to your son. Thank you for sharing at Tell Me a Story! http://hazel-moon-blog.blogspot.com/

  5. Yes, do not give up. Suround your son with your prayers and love

  6. Floyd says:

    What an awesome post from your heart. I hear God’s redemption in your words. I believe that God makes the strong ones strong. Sometimes the strong ones fight to go their own way… It is a battle God will win and when He’s done your son will be the strong man of God using his wisdom and redemption to change his world. God’s not done…

    I love I Corinthians 13:13…

  7. I sure understand much of what you said. My son, Steve, I will post about on Thursday. He is turning 40, and, has been sober that day for 100 days. He has been an alcoholic and gambler and womanizer, etc., since he was 14. He has been in treatment a few times, arrested for DUI a few times, and physically hurt a few times… ones very dangerously when he fell through a plate-glass window when he was drunk and cut his upper arm seriously enough that he was bleeding badly. The only thing that made him live, I think, in the natural, was the fact that it was winter and landing in the snow kept the blood under control. We heard about it the next day. He had been walking with the Lord until his early teens and then became angry at God. He has been a bartender, bar manager, and bar owner … now, after the sobriety, he came back to the Lord, and, even thought not everything has changed yet, b/c he needs to pay his rent and take care of his 15-yr old son, etc., he IS looking for a different lifestyle, attending church, watching sermons on TV when he can’t make it to church, etc. His whole life has changed. I’m AMAZED!! He was in jail, short time, years ago. He’s been involved with what I would refer to as a “mafia” underground group here, but I don’t know much about it, b/c I don’t WANT to know much about it.

    ANYHOW, I hope this will encourage you. Yours has gone through more than mine, but the LORD, somehow, broke back into his life, and Steve has returned to Him. [Steve is also involved in AA, not the first time, but the first time to be consistent and have a mentor AND has worked out and lost 25 pounds from his drinking in less than 3 months.] My husband and I are taking him and his son to dinner on Thursday evening for his birthday, then we’re going to my daughter’s for dessert and more g-kids who will enjoy this. BUT Dave and I haven’t had a birthday time with Steve for YEARS, b/c it was usually connected to some heavy-duty drinking parties. And the filthy t-shirts he would wear and the filthy language that would surround us. Uh, UH!!! Couldn’t do it. SO, as I said, life is changing. My hope is that it will REMAIN changed.

    [BTW, my g-son’s mom and Steve never married, and she wouldn’t let Steve see him hardly ever. Then she was arrested for meth and put in prison for a couple years. Steve became the authority. Now she’s out of prison, they do OK, and Dyllon still stays with Steve most of the time, but visits his mom regularly, but does NOT let her run his life. Things changed there, too.]

    Sorry to pour so much, in a way. Maybe should just have emailed you. But, as I read your and saw so much that is similar, I hoped I could encourage you.

    Blessings.

    • EvieJo says:

      Oh, Joanne, thanks for sharing, I think we are also kindred hearts in a lot of ways because you have commented on some of my other posts and I keep running across your blog without looking for it. Encouragement is what I need and you have just given it and prayer, because it is in and out and up and down for me sometimes.

      You can probably relate to this, there are times when I can put it all behind me and then I have to grieve some more. I thank God that He never gave up on me, so I know that He will never give up on my baby boy. Many similarities in your story and mine. I will pray right now for your son and his son and your family and so glad he’s turning around now.

      May God bless you abundantly, EvieJo

  8. Tracy says:

    Hi Evie-Jo, oh my heart is broken for you. Here I sit thinking I have problems but yours are so much more heart-wrenching. I will be praying for you and your son. You will never give up on him but neither will the Lord. i pray that the clutches of the devil be released from him right now wherever he is. i pray he feels that release, and I pray that he without thinking turns to his Creator to fill those gaps. I pray this in Jesus name. thank you for sharing such a hard thing. Your testimony, your heart, will help others
    God bless my friend
    Tracy

  9. faithfulseeds says:

    Thank you for sharin! Your first paragraph alone pulled me in because I was just speaking to my husband about that very same thing. Mine are not yet old enough to know what you are experiencing, but I feel like I was reading my mother’s heart for some of my siblings. Prayers. And blessings for strength on the journey and may God increase you for pouring into others with transparancy!

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