Square peg trying to fit into a round hole.
Always has been and at the age of 55 I am assuming that it always will be.
Right now I am wondering what I got myself into.
Is this experience really going to be the end to the means or the means to the end?
Is it really going to be fulfilling God’s call?
I don’t know.
Right now what it feels like is that my days are being planned around fulfilling someone else’s agenda. Whose, I am not sure of.
I really feel as if I am a volcano that is about to erupt because who I am is being squelched and, honestly, who I am is not bad. It is who God created me to be.
And here we go…that statement is the fighting spirit, that spirit of survival that is pushing forth and starting to take over again. The spirit that is protecting my identity, the creative side of me that God created that has a need to immerge. Holy Spirit.
When I get too busy doing other things that (to me) don’t matter, and I don’t have time or energy anymore to do what God has been ministering to me and through me with, I start getting angry. I want to blame everyone else around me for the way that I am feeling and reacting to them and my environment.
- More healing.
- The raw hurt that was in my heart is no longer giving me pain. Scars are there, but it no longer hurts like it did.
- I have gotten in better physical shape. Progress not perfection!
- Still learning how to live in a community environment (in closer quarters than the college campus that we have been living on for the last several years) with people who I would not have chosen to live with. God has chosen them all for me!
- I am being made ready to enter into a different culture in Central Asia where the language is different as well the people and their way of life is very much different from mine.
What I have done wrong in my eyes (no one else’s eyes) is I stopped writing. Now, I have kept a handwritten journal (under the guidelines of the school) but I have not freely shared everything that is on my heart and I know this is something that God wants me to do from now and forward.
I cannot share the name of the country that we will be in, but that is ok. I can share my experiences and it is possible that someday I may be able to share the name of the country, but not now.
I have been spending much more time in the past few weeks on concentrated, solitary, intercessory prayer between God and myself. This is the most important thing that I can do to prepare for the trip. Right now, I am not doing this only in preparation for the trip, it is because the intercessory prayer is all that keeps me centered and focused on what God has for my life right now in all areas of living.
And what exactly is God’s call on MY life?
All I know is what God is telling me and that is…
- To not neglect blogging anymore…blogging (for me) is not a hobby, but a call!
- Make time to paint!
- Love on children!
This brings me to another point…it is the children who are breaking my heart, so I know that the children are who I am called to. We watched a short video that is a song about what the true call is on all of our lives as Jesus followers sung by Matt Redmon yesterday. The images in the video were of people all over the world, especially in the 10/40 window and my heart was not really being moved except with the images of children making me smile.
I was wondering WHY my heart was not being moved with a lot of compassion, but then the momentary image flashed on the screen of 4 gray skinned, malnutritioned, (possibly) dying children lying on a mat and my heart broke. That is when the tears started flowing for me. The thoughts that went through my mind were, “would I be afraid to pick them up and hold them next to my heart?”… “would my own fears get in the way of giving a child, like that, the love that God wants them to receive?”… “could I do it?”.
And the answer sprang forth, faster than I can type it….YES….A THOUSAND TIMES YES! Yes I would be the hands and feet of Jesus for those children if only to hold them, love on them as He ushered them into his kingdom.
In feeble, selfish, human ways, because I was one of those children and He held me to His heart for as long as it took for me to be ushered into His kingdom! Of course, I can. I will!
Maybe the square peg, round hole concept really is a true fit…Hmmm….
Now, I ask you, what are you called to and WILL YOU?
Love and Godspeed,