True fit…True call…

Can you tell which one is me?

Can you tell which one is me?

Square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

That’s me.

Always has been and at the age of 55 I am assuming that it always will be.

Right now I am wondering what I got myself into.

Is this experience really going to be the end to the means or the means to the end?

Is it really going to be fulfilling God’s call?

I don’t know.

Right now what it feels like is that my days are being planned around fulfilling someone else’s agenda.  Whose, I am not sure of.

I really feel as if I am a volcano that is about to erupt because who I am is being squelched and, honestly, who I am is not bad.  It is who God created me to be.

And here we go…that statement is the fighting spirit, that spirit of survival that is pushing Child's toy showing a quare peg and a round hole on a whie backgroundforth and starting to take over again.  The spirit that is protecting my identity, the creative side of me that God created that has a need to immerge.  Holy Spirit.

When I get too busy doing other things that (to me) don’t matter, and I don’t have time or energy anymore to do what God has been ministering to me and through me with, I start getting angry.  I want to blame everyone else around me for the way that I am feeling and reacting to them and my environment.

true fit2What has happened during these last few months?

  1. More healing.
  2. The raw hurt that was in my heart is no longer giving me pain.  Scars are there, but it no longer hurts like it did.
  3. I have gotten in better physical shape.  Progress not perfection!
  4. Still learning how to live in a community environment (in closer quarters than the college campus that we have been living on for the last several years) with people who I would not have chosen to live with.  God has chosen them all for me!
  5. I am being made ready to enter into a different culture in Central Asia where the language is different as well the people and their way of life is very much different from mine.

What I have done wrong in my eyes (no one else’s eyes) is I stopped writing.  Now, I have kept a handwritten journal (under the guidelines of the school) but I have not freely shared everything that is on my heart and I know this is something that God wants me to do from now and forward.

I cannot share the name of the country that we will be in, but that is ok.  I can share my experiences and it is possible that someday I may be able to share the name of the country, but not now.

I have been spending much more time in the past few weeks on concentrated, solitary, true fit3intercessory prayer between God and myself.  This is the most important thing that I can do to prepare for the trip.  Right now, I am not doing this only in preparation for the trip, it is because the intercessory prayer is all that keeps me centered and focused on what God has for my life right now in all areas of living.

And what exactly is God’s call on MY life?

All I know is what God is telling me and that is…

  1. To not neglect blogging anymore…blogging (for me) is not a hobby, but a call!
  2. Make time to paint!
  3. Love on children!

This brings me to another point…it is the children who are breaking my heart, so I know that the children are who I am called to.  We watched a short video that is a song about what the true call is on all of our lives as Jesus followers sung by Matt Redmon yesterday.  The images in the video were of people all over the world, especially in the 10/40 window and my heart was not really being moved except with the images of children making me smile.

I was wondering WHY my heart was not being moved with a lot of compassion, but then the momentary image flashed on the screen of 4 gray skinned, malnutritioned, (possibly) dying children lying on a mat and my heart broke.  That is when the tears started flowing for me.  The thoughts that went through my mind were, “would I be afraid to pick them up and hold them next to my heart?”… “would my own fears get in the way of giving a child, like that, the love that God wants them to receive?”… “could I do it?”.

And the answer sprang forth, faster than I can type it….YES….A THOUSAND TIMES YES!  Yes I would be the hands and feet of Jesus for those children if only to hold them, love on them as He ushered them into his kingdom.

Why?

In feeble, selfish, human ways, because I was one of those children and He held me to His heart for as long as it took for me to be ushered into His kingdom!  Of course, I can.  I will!

Maybe the square peg, round hole concept really is a true fit…Hmmm….

Now, I ask you, what are you called to and WILL YOU?

Love and Godspeed,

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About Rhonda

Let me introduce myself to you who may not know who I am...I am an artist, writer, blogger, born again follower of Jesus Christ (I pursue Him on an ongoing basis with passion), I am a recovering codependent, survivor of childhood and adulthood domestic violence, an empty nester who still has a LOT of life to live and a LOT more places to go before I stop, the wife to Mr. John, mother, grandmother and I have a passion for being a part of the process of getting preschoolers ready for the rest of their lives! I have probably left something out but that's ok.
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10 Responses to True fit…True call…

  1. This was wonderful and ministered to me in many ways. Thank you.

  2. sillypilgrim says:

    I think you are such an amazing woman!!! I totally relate with the feeling that your actions are based on someone elses agenda. I think there is something unique and beautiful blossoming within the confines of things you are not choosing.

    Thank you for being honest here… I hope that you feel the freedom to continue being honest and I want to ask your forgiveness if there is anything I have done to squelch who you are. I’m so grateful that you’re here with us and I’m SO excited to see where God will take you and your gentle giant.

    • EvieJo says:

      I am not sure who this is who is speaking, but I just want to tell you that I hold absolutely nothing against anyone here…I am my own person and my journey is with God. I was venting at the beginning of this blog with honesty because that is what He calls me to do but in the end, I came to terms with what His call is on my life. Thank you so much for your comment! Bless you! And whoever you are, I am sure that you are someone whom I dearly love!

  3. Beth Loureiro says:

    Love this post, Sweet Sister! You are so Beautiful…inside & out!

    • EvieJo says:

      Thank you, my Dear Sister, you and my husband are my biggest advocates coming in second only to God and in my heart, you both are my best friends!

  4. annambowman says:

    So glad you are writing again!

  5. Jedidja says:

    Glad you are on your blog again. God bless you.

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