Ministry (as I knew it) has pretty much come to a standstill for me at this point. There may be an opportunity for me to go do touchup on the mural at the children’s hospital that we have been working on tomorrow, but it will depend on how I feel.
I sprained my ankle 11 days ago and foolishly tried to go to the orphanage last Tuesday because I thought I could handle it. Well, I could not and Wednesday I woke up and it was so painful that I could barely walk. Mr. Joe had to go find some crutches for me.
It has now been 7 days and I am still feeling the pain when I walk with crutches, but it is slowly subsiding. My goal now is to stay off of it so that it will be healed for the over 24-hour trip/3 flight/3 airports ride home.
Honestly, fear and a lot of what ifs have tried to take over and I was reading an Oswald Chambers devotion yesterday and realized that I am trying to do everything on my own strength not God’s.
Here is what I read that made me realize this:
“There are stages in life when there is no storm, no crisis, when we do our human best; it is when a crisis arises that we instantly reveal upon whom we rely.”~My Utmost For His Highest (August 12)
I jotted down some thoughts after I read:
One of the mottos of a missions organization that I really respect goes something like this:
“To Know God and Make Him Known”
If I came here only to know Him more then it was all worth it!
To know God
To know God
To know God…
Will I ever really know Him?
We have been singing a song in worship that has these lyrics in it: “I will climb this mountain with my hands open wide!”
Everytime I sing that song I have been making a vow to Him that I would do just that! Climb this mountain with my hands open wide! Wow! Think about it, that is some kind of vow! Can’t get much more serious than that! Can you imagine literally climbing a mountain with your hands open wide? That is some pretty difficult climbing. I can only imagine that in my petty, childish, whining self, He may have thought to himself, “I will show her how it really feels.”.
Seriously, if we sing, vow it, aren’t we supposed to be ready to do it?
Will I ever stop blaming Him for my struggles for my plans not coming to fruition?
I know this…I want to.
Will I ever stop thinking that I have to rely on my own strength instead of HIM being my only strength?
If anything, I am and will be leaving with this realization.
NOTHING…absolutely NOTHING is about me.
EVERYTHING…absolutely EVERYTHING is about Him.
And that is how it is supposed to be.
The Ancient of Days creating me so that He could be glorified through my life, not the other way around.
Me the lump of clay on His Potter’s Wheel-being molded-not finished-Him breaking some things off or away and remolding new pieces (example-a faulty ankle attached to a foot that was headed in the wrong direction).
Making a name for myself was never a part of any plan of His!
Finally yesterday, I started telling Him with every step “Not my strength, but Yours, Lord”…with every step…
Amazingly, everytime I said it, the pain was lessened.
I want to learn to live it, not my strength but Yours, not my strength, but Yours, again and again until it is who I am and I don’t have to remind myself anymore! Really, I have been trying to live on my strength for too long, it’s time!
Love and blessings,