There is a children’s book by the name of Good Night, Moon. It has been the favorite of a lot of young children who have passed through my life. Some of the words in that book started traveling through my head when we left Colorado last Friday.
A little bittersweet, a little melancholy.
We were leaving a period of our lives that when looked at was rather short but that impacted us greatly.
We were headed back to a place where we have a somewhat comfortable home but that may be a little too comfortable. We were headed back to a place where there is unfinished business and a lot of what ifs and it was a little scary.
On the way home, we drove through familiar territory that we have driven through before. A lot of memories. Before we reached one town, we passed the entrance of a prison where we had visited a loved one a few years ago and then when we reached that town, there were memories of a nightmarish episode with a van that we owned right after we got married when the transmission went out in that town, not once but after it was repaired, 3 more times.
There were so many memories that were connected to the memories that I just mentioned and as we drove, sometimes silently for miles and sometimes talking about the memories and the plans that are starting to formulate in our minds about our future, fear started trying to set in with me.
Wondering what may happen when we got back to Dallas. Wondering if there would be any happy reunions when we got back. Wondering if I will ever have the earthly relationships with my children that I want to have. Knowing I have done all that I can do in my own strength, that I am who I am, Mr. Joe is who he is and that the rest is in God’s hands.
And all that I kept hearing from God was… “Do not fear”. “Do not fear”. “Do not fear”.
And the other thing that I was hearing was that He has it all under control…that I do not need to plan or worry about anything.
As we pulled into the parking lot of our apartment home, I noticed that my friend, Ms. Sally’s car was missing and that another car was parked in her place (Ms. Sally went to be with the Lord while we were in Central Asia.) and then I noticed that all of the blinds from her old apartment were raised meaning that her apartment had already been cleaned out. I guess that is when the reality hit me that I would never see her or talk to her again on this earth. It was a little surreal for me until that moment. I miss her tremendously.
Now, I sit here and I think about all that God has brought me through and I spent yesterday thinking about what I would be writing about for my next post. My plan is to go back to 2 posts a week. I thought, pondered, listened to praise music, unpacked and visited with friends and family as they called and stopped by to welcome us back. Most of their questions were the same. “What is the plan for you next?”
My answers were a little hesitant.
There is unfinished business here in Dallas but I know that waiting around for it to be finished could put our lives on hold for the rest of our lives.
I know what I want.
I never want to forget these last 5 months.
I want to continue relationships with and keep in touch with the people who God connected me with during this set aside time.
God is telling me loud and clear that He wants me to continue with the writing and continue with art for the rest of my life. He is telling me that I squelched and put that part of me on hold for too long and that it is now time to focus on it. I have focused too much of my life on trying to fulfill other people’s expectations of me instead of fulfilling what God was calling me to.
So therefore, I have put a pink stripe in my hair and am getting a tattoo! You may think I am kidding but I am dead serious. That is another thing that I am dealing with. I have tried to fit into what man’s idea of what normal is and have never fit in. Now it is time for me to experience some things that I have never experienced before. Some fun things.
I have been drunk many times in my early years (not for me anymore!).
I have been high plenty of times (hasn’t been for me from the beginning!).
When I did those things and some much worse, I was searching for something that I never was able to find through them.
I have now found what I was looking for and what I was looking for was a relationship with the Father God who created me. I thought He would be too boring for me and that I would never have fun again. Contrary to my belief, I am able to have fun now for the first time in my life. I stopped running from Him and He caught me! He had been pursuing me for a very long like a little puppy that won’t give up and keeps nipping at my heels.
I now know that He loves me and wants me to experience the freedom that I never knew that I could experience.
Goodnight cow jumping over the moon
And the red balloon
And goodnight mittens
And goodnight socks
Goodnight little house
And goodnight mouse
And goodnight brush
And goodnight to the old lady
Goodnight noises everywhere
~Goodnight Moon, text by Margret Wise Brown
Blessings and Godspeed!