I wrote this last week on Thanksgiving morning…
It’s Thanksgiving morning and I want to say that I am so thankful. So thankful for God’s faithfulness to me. He has and always will be the faithful lover of my soul. More faithful than a mother, more faithful than a Godly husband.
I have been very sad and what is funny or unique about my personal emotions is that I don’t know how to express them outwardly, physically. It’s hard for me. Maybe because I never understood emotions as a child and was brought up in an environment that was not a safe one to express or explore emotions. I don’t know, but here I am, this adult woman, Wife, Mama, Step mom, Grandmaw…this adult woman who is in the Autumn of her life, just learning to understand, recognize and express her emotions.
When bad things happen I know that my emotions are there and are eventually going to come out in one way or another, I have learned to be prepared for that, but I still don’t know when it is going to happen. I have learned that when all of this is brewing inside of me, that I will start trying to project my feelings onto whatever is going on around me. I will start picking apart and trying to blame the people around me for what I am feeling inside me and that’s what I have been trying to do this week.
Last week, I had the best visit I have had in years with 2 of my daughters and 5 of my granddaughters. I had flown to Dallas specifically to see them before the holidays started.
After I returned home, I was on “cloud nine” because the visit was so good. I was very tired and ended up sleeping as much as I could for about 3 days and my legs, knees, joints and muscles have had to recuperate, also. Going up and down stairs a few times a day to the apartment of my daughter who I stayed with and all of the foot work that one who travels has to do in airports.
There were two things missing and those were my sons.
The oldest is a complicated package that I have not attempted to unwrap in recent years.
The youngest is a drug addict. I chose not to see the youngest because I did not know what it would do to this mother’s heart of mine if I did.
Both sons are alive, which is something that I am thankful for, the oldest is a fiercely independent one (more like me) who I am proud of and is doing well in life. The youngest, also fiercely independent but still struggling.
So…even though I had such a good visit, I have also been on edge since I got home and yesterday while doing a little bit of shopping for Thanksgiving, I was just getting more and more irritated with all of the shoppers, even to the point of thinking really bad thoughts and words that I wished that I could articulate out loud about all of the rude.
When I have been around friends and acquaintances, I have not known what to say to them, and I have not wanted to talk to them so I have tried to get away as soon as I can in order to be alone with my thoughts.
Mr. John and I decided to eat out yesterday for lunch and, uncharacteristically, I had two glasses of Chardonnay. I was feeling just good enough that my emotions started to numb and I was able to laugh and joke a little about. I started thinking in that “stinking thinking” way that us codependents, alcoholics and addicts do sometimes and decidedly thought to myself that it might not be so bad if I could just start numbing my feelings with something all the time. But then reality stepped in and I thought about all of the errands that still needed to be done and the things that still needed to be accomplished before I went to bed last night.
But still, I was able to see for just a moment what my youngest son may feel when he turns back to the lethal drugs that he uses. When under the influence of our drugs of choice (whether they be lethal drugs, weed, alcohol or food) our emotions are numbed and the thoughts of all of our failures and heartaches can disappear for a while, but there is always the reckoning and that is when we have to face those things again and either deal with them or numb them again.
Friend, it is always better to deal with them. To face them, to look them in the face and say come on, bring it on, this is how I am feeling.
And that is what I finally did. I fought it all afternoon yesterday, and as I went to bed last night, I looked God in the face, I looked the intense sadness that I have been feeling in the face and said, “God, I need you. Jesus, I need you. I am so sad that it is overwhelming me. It’s effecting my thinking, how I deal with life and how I treat my husband. I don’t know what to do about it. I know that you are the only one who can fix it.”
And I just laid there waiting for Him and as I drifted off to sleep in that place right before sleep when He often visits me with visions, I saw a youngish, 30ish young man walking toward me with a big, peaceful smile on his face and I was looking at Him as I was going to sleep and I smiled the most peaceful, genuine smile back at Him as I went to sleep. Jesus. He meets me where I am, all I have to do is call His name. Some say that He carries us until we have the strength to ask him to meet us.
He has said to us… “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden”. He will take our heavy yoke upon himself if we take the easy yoke which means us walking beside Him on ourselves.
He saves all of our tears in a bottle and promises that there will someday be no tears, ever again.
ALL of His promises are good and true.
He does not lie.
He is faithful.
Bless you during your Holiday season. Look the pain in the face, walk through it.
Love and blessings to you and yours!